Funny ways to say what's up

Sometimes a plain "what's up" gets a plain "not much". Here are 15 funny ways to say what's up, for texts and friends, a few dramatic declarations, mock-official ones from the Department of Doubt, and simple kind ones that always work.

For texts and friends

• "Status update requested. Short version fine. Long version better." Either is welcome.
• "What is new with you? Please list all news in order of excitement." Biggest first.
• "Checking in. Are you thriving, surviving, or somewhere in the middle?" All three are allowed.
• "I have a free ten minutes and they are all yours. What's up?" A generous offer.

Dramatic declarations

• "It has been ages. Tell me everything. Leave nothing out. Even the boring bits." Especially the boring bits.
• "What's the news? I have checked mine and it is mostly about lunch." Your turn to beat it.
• "Tell me one good thing that happened this week. Two if you are feeling generous." Good news only, please.
• "I have been wondering what you are up to for days. Put me out of my suspense." The suspense is real.

Mock official

• "The Department of Doubt is running a short survey: what's up? There are no wrong answers, only long ones." Long ones welcome.
• "Notice: your update is now due. Late updates will be accepted with a smile." Sounds like a form. Reads like a hug.
• "Form 135 requests a brief summary of what is up, what is down, and anything in between." Sideways also accepted.

Simple and kind

• "Hey, what's up?" Always works.
• "How's it going?" Short and warm.
• "What have you been up to lately?" Friendly, for anyone.
• "Hi! Anything new with you?" Leaves room for any answer.

Keep it light

1. Really listen. If you ask what's up, make time for the answer, even a long one.
2. Mind the timing. A busy workday is not the moment for "tell me everything".
3. Share yours too. Add a bit of your own news so it feels like a chat, not a quiz.

More from the Department

For the very first message, see the funny ways to say hello, and when you want to meet up, the funny ways to say let's hang out. If the answer is "not much", there are the funny ways to say I'm bored. All guides are on the guides page, and today's ruling is on the home page.

Questions about funny ways to say what's up

What is a funny way to say what's up?

Something that makes asking for news sound a little official, like "Status update requested. Short version fine. Long version better." It is friendly and gets a reply.

What is a funny way to ask what's up over text?

Try "Checking in. Are you thriving, surviving, or somewhere in the middle?" It is playful and easy to answer.

What can I say instead of what's up?

Try "How's it going?" or "What have you been up to lately?" Both are warm and fit any chat.

What is a simple way to say what's up?

A plain "Hi! Anything new with you?" always works. It is friendly and leaves room for any answer.

The Department of Doubt is satire, but these "what's up" texts are real suggestions you are free to use. See the satire notice.