Bad birthday ideas

Is it a good idea for a birthday? The Department of Doubt has reviewed 17 birthday plans, all invented here, and stamped every one I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any plan to stamp it, or send one to the friend who is planning a surprise.

Parties

1. A surprise party the birthday person has to organise. It is not a surprise if they booked the room.
2. A party on a Monday morning at 7. Nobody celebrates anything at 7 on a Monday.
3. A party where everyone has to bring a presentation. Slide decks are for meetings. Cake is for birthdays.
4. A quiet birthday dinner, with a marching band. Quiet was the one thing they asked for.
5. A karaoke night for a guest list that hates singing. Nine people, one microphone, zero volunteers.

Cake and candles

1. One candle for every year, lit indoors, near the smoke alarm. The smoke alarm will sing a different song.
2. A cake shaped like the birthday person, a bit too accurate. Some likenesses are better left to the imagination.
3. A birthday cake made of salad. Leaves are not a dessert, whatever the label says.
4. Trick candles for someone with very little patience. The candles relight. The patience does not.

Presents

1. A gift card for a shop that closed last year. Nothing says thoughtful like a shop that is not there.
2. A present you wanted yourself. They can tell. They can always tell.
3. A calendar for the year that just ended. Useful for a very short time: about eight hours ago.
4. A self-help book called "Getting Older". The title does the talking, and it is not kind.

Celebrating yourself

1. Announcing your own birthday every hour, starting a week early. By day seven, the countdown is the only thing anyone hears.
2. Planning a birthday week, a birthday month and a birthday season. The calendar has run out of room for one person.
3. Turning off notifications on your birthday, then checking them all night. Peace and quiet, interrupted by you, every two minutes.
4. Reading every old birthday message, at once, at midnight. Lovely in small doses. At once, it is a lot of feelings.

How to plan a birthday that is a good idea

1. Ask what they enjoy. Not what you would enjoy.
2. Keep it simple. Good food and the right people.
3. Let them do nothing. It is their day off from organising.
4. Check the smoke alarm. The Department insists.

Related

More things the Department rejected: worst party themes, terrible gift ideas and funny bad advice (some of it fits a birthday card). All guides are on the guides page.

Questions about bad birthday ideas

What are bad birthday ideas?

Plans that make the birthday person do the work, or the guests suffer: a surprise party they have to organise, a cake with every candle lit indoors near the smoke alarm, or a celebration on a Monday morning at 7.

How do you plan a good birthday?

Ask what the birthday person actually enjoys, keep it simple, and let them do nothing. A good meal with the right people beats a complicated plan almost every time.

Are these real birthday plans?

No. Every birthday idea on this page is invented by the Department of Doubt for fun. No real people are named.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Every birthday idea on this page is invented; no real people are named. See the satire notice.