Funny bad advice

Some advice is wise. This is not that advice. The Department of Doubt has collected 22 pieces of confident, harmless, terrible advice and stamped every one I DON'T THINK SO. They work well in a birthday card, a leaving card or the group chat. Tap any line to stamp it.

Around the house

1. If you can't find it, buy another one. The first will turn up the next day.
2. Ignore the instructions. The leftover screws are a bonus.
3. The dishes clean themselves if you leave them long enough.
4. Keep every cable. One day you will need the one from 2009.
5. If the plant looks sad, move it to a different sad spot.

At work

1. Reply all. Everyone wants to know.
2. If you look busy enough, the work does itself.
3. Always say "quick question" before a long question.
4. Name the file "final" early, to save time later.
5. Never write anything down. You will remember.

For birthdays and cards

1. Ageing is optional if you stop counting.
2. Eat the cake first. Life is uncertain and so is the cake.
3. Never tell anyone your age. Tell them your shoe size instead.
4. The secret to staying young: lie about it.

For a new job or a leaving card

1. Find out where the good biscuits are hidden. Then tell nobody.
2. Always assume the printer knows you are in a hurry.
3. Agree to every meeting. They are basically holidays.
4. Learn everyone's name in the first week, then keep calling them "mate".

General wisdom

1. If it is not working, try the same thing louder.
2. You can always start the novel, the language course and the tidy-up next Monday.
3. Trust the weather forecast completely.
4. When in doubt, nap.

Where bad advice stops being funny

The Department keeps bad advice to the everyday: dishes, meetings, cake. Anything about health, money, safety or someone's relationship is left out on purpose, because there, bad advice is just bad. If you are writing your own, that is a good line to keep.

Related

More things the Department rejected: terrible life hacks, funny bad ideas and bad business ideas. For cards and emails, see funny email sign-offs. A new year coming? See the bad New Year's resolutions. All guides are on the guides page.

Questions about funny bad advice

What is funny bad advice?

Advice that sounds confident and is clearly wrong, in a harmless way: "If you can't find it, buy another one and the first will turn up." Good for a birthday card, a leaving card or a group chat.

What is good bad advice to give someone for a card?

Keep it light and about everyday life: "Never trust a meeting with no agenda and free biscuits", or "Always assume the printer knows you are in a hurry." Avoid anything about health, money or relationships, where bad advice stops being funny.

Is any of this real advice?

No. Every line on this page is invented by the Department of Doubt as a joke, and stamped I DON'T THINK SO for a reason.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Every piece of advice on this page is a joke, not advice. See the satire notice.