Terrible gift ideas

Every gift is given with love. Some are also given with no idea what the other person wants. The Department of Doubt has reviewed 20 of them and stamped each one I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any gift to stamp it yourself, then scroll down for what to give instead.

Hobbies they never asked for

1. A 1,000-piece puzzle of a plain blue sky.
2. A unicycle for someone who dislikes walking.
3. A sourdough starter that needs feeding twice a day, forever.
4. Bagpipe lessons for someone with very thin walls.
5. A marathon entry, as a surprise.

Chores in disguise

1. A label maker for someone who is "a bit messy".
2. A self-help book called "Finally Getting Organised".
3. Flat-pack furniture with 400 screws, unassembled.
4. A very large houseplant that needs daily misting.
5. A gym membership with a note that says "for the new you".

Things nobody has room for

1. A life-size cardboard cut-out of the giver.
2. A popcorn machine for a one-room flat.
3. A full set of decorative plates, not for eating off.
4. An inflatable hot tub for a third-floor balcony.
5. A drum kit for a teenager, from the grandparents next door.

Questionable office gifts

1. A mug that says "I survived the meeting", given before the meeting.
2. A framed photo of the office printer.
3. A desk bell for the colleague who sits next to you.
4. A motivational poster about synergy.
5. A calendar from last year, still in its plastic.

What to give instead

• Something they already love, but better: the nice version of their favourite tea, pen or snack.
• Something they use up: good chocolate, a candle, coffee from a local roaster.
• An experience: tickets, a class they mentioned, or a day out together.
• Time: an evening of cooking for them, or a promise you will actually keep.
• A handwritten note. It costs nothing and gets kept the longest.

For the gift exchange

If the rules say "funny gift", go for silly, not mean. A stamped card from Stamp Anything ruling on a family claim ("Dad's barbecue will be ready in five minutes") gets a laugh and fits in an envelope. For thank-you notes afterwards, even for a terrible gift, see funny ways to say thank you.

Related

More things the Department rejected: funny bad ideas, terrible product ideas and bad birthday ideas. Today's ruling is on the home page, and all guides are on the guides page. Naming a new puppy? See bad dog names. Beyond the presents: bad Christmas ideas.

Questions about terrible gifts

What is a terrible gift?

One that is really for the giver, not the person getting it: a hobby they never asked for, a chore in disguise, or something that needs a cupboard they do not have. Usually given with love, which makes it funnier.

What are funny bad gift ideas for a white elephant or secret santa?

Harmless, silly gifts that everyone can laugh at work best: a single very large spoon, a framed photo of the office printer, or a "certificate of doubt" stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Keep it kind, so the joke is the gift, not the person.

How do I avoid giving a terrible gift?

Think about what they already enjoy, not what you wish they enjoyed. Ask a friend of theirs, or give an experience or something they will use up. When in doubt, a good snack and a handwritten note rarely fail.

Is a gift card a terrible gift?

Not at all. It can feel less personal, but it is easy to use and rarely ends up in a drawer. Add a note saying why you picked that shop, and it becomes thoughtful.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. No real products or people are named on this page. See the satire notice.