Bad cat names

Is it a good name for a cat? The cat will not tell you, so the Department of Doubt has. Here are 15 bad cat names, all invented here, every one stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any name to stamp it, then send it to the friend with a new kitten.

Names the cat will ignore

1. Come Here, for a cat who never will. Every call becomes a request the cat declines.
2. Cuddles, for a cat who does not do cuddles. A name that is wrong every single day.
3. Obedience. The cat has read the name and taken it as a joke.
4. Good Boy, for a cat with no interest in being good. He knocked a glass off the table while you named him.
5. Breakfast Time, Not Yet. The cat will hear only the first two words. At 5 a.m.

Hard to say at the vet

1. Lady Whiskerton of the Upstairs Windowsill. The vet will just write Lady W.
2. Cat, Second of Her Name, Ruler of the Sofa. Accurate. Too long for the form.
3. Fluffy McFlufferson the Second, Junior. The vet will run out of room on the form.
4. Untitled Cat. Sounds like you are still waiting for inspiration.
5. Dinner, which gets confusing fast. Every time you say dinner, the cat arrives. So that part works.

Bold, confident and wrong

1. Dog, to confuse the neighbours. The dog next door will take it personally.
2. Tiny, for a cat who will not stay tiny. Six kilos of cat answering to Tiny is a lot to explain.
3. Speedy, for a cat who sleeps twenty hours a day. The cat will hear it as a compliment and go back to sleep.
4. The Boss, which is simply correct. Rejected for being too honest.
5. Your own name, to save time. You will both answer, and only one of you will get up.

Good funny cat names

The Department does approve a few. These work for boy and girl cats alike, and still sound fine at the vet.

• Mr Biscuit Short, warm and a little bit silly.
• Duchess For a cat who already acts like one.
• Pickle Easy to shout, fun to explain.
• Sergeant For a cat in charge of the house.
• Noodle For a cat who is mostly stretch.

How to pick a good cat name

1. Short. One or two syllables. You will say it a lot, mostly to an empty room.
2. Not a word you use all day. Dinner, Treat and Out will confuse everyone.
3. Think fifteen years ahead. Kitten will not stay a kitten.

Related

For the other side of the garden fence, see bad dog names. If the cat keeps saying no to you, there is a guide on how to say no to a cat. More rejected names: bad band names. All guides are on the guides page, and today's ruling is on the home page.

Questions about bad cat names

What makes a cat name bad?

It is too long to say at the vet, it sounds like something you say every day (call a cat "Dinner" and every sentence becomes confusing), or it is a promise the cat will never keep, like "Cuddles" for a cat who does not cuddle.

Do cats know their names?

Many cats do recognise their name. Whether they choose to answer is a separate matter, and the Department has no jurisdiction over it.

What are good funny cat names?

Short names with a little irony work well: Mr Biscuit, Duchess, Pickle or Sergeant. They are easy to say, fun to explain, and still sound fine when the cat is sixteen.

Are these real cats?

No. Every name on this page is invented by the Department of Doubt. If your cat already has one of them, the Department apologises to the cat, who will not accept.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Every name on this page is invented; no real people, cats or brands are named. See the satire notice.