Bad dog names

Is it a good name for a dog? The Department of Doubt has reviewed 18 dog names, all invented here, and stamped every one I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any name to stamp it, then send it to the friend with a new puppy.

Hard to shout in a park

1. Sir Reginald Fluffington the Third, Esquire. By the time you have called it, the dog has crossed the park.
2. Password123. Strangers will think you are reading out a secret.
3. Wait, a dog who never will. Shouting Wait at a dog who is running away is a lot.
4. Untitled Document. Calling it out sounds like you lost an essay.
5. Monday, for a dog everyone is happy to see. Everyone groans when the dog arrives, which is unfair to the dog.

Names that sound like commands

1. Sit, for a dog who already knows sit. The dog will sit every time it hears its own name. Forever.
2. Stay, for a dog who never does. Every call becomes a confusing command.
3. No, which gets confusing fast. The word No should mean one thing, not two.
4. Fetch, for a dog who will not. The name is a dare the dog never accepts.

Names that age badly

1. Tiny, for a puppy of a very large breed. Forty kilos of dog answering to Tiny is a lot to explain.
2. Speedy, for a dog who loves the sofa. The dog will hear it as a compliment and stay on the sofa.
3. Brave, for a dog who is scared of the hoover. A name that is wrong every time the vacuum comes out.
4. Puppy, for a dog who will be 12 one day. It is only true for one year out of fifteen.

Bold choices

1. Cat, for a dog who will never live it down. The cat next door will take it personally.
2. Dog, to keep things simple. Simple, but the park now has six dogs called Dog.
3. The name of your Wi-Fi network. Every guest will try to connect to your dog.
4. A name with a silent letter nobody remembers. Nobody will spell it right on the vet's form. Including you.
5. Your own name, to save time. Every time you call the dog, you will answer as well.

How to pick a good dog name

1. One or two syllables. Easy to shout, easy to hear.
2. Not like a command. Avoid names close to sit, stay, no or come.
3. Say it out loud. In the garden, fifty times, before you decide.
4. Think fifteen years ahead. Tiny will not stay tiny.

Related

More things the Department rejected: funny bad ideas, terrible gift ideas and funny bad advice. All guides are on the guides page.

Questions about bad dog names

What makes a dog name bad?

It is hard to shout across a park, it sounds like a command ("Sit" and "Kit" confuse a dog), or it is something you would not want to call out loud in front of strangers. Long names get shortened anyway.

How do I choose a good dog name?

One or two syllables, easy to say, not close to "sit", "stay", "no" or "come", and something you are happy to shout fifty times a day for fifteen years. Try it out loud in the garden first.

Are these real dogs?

No. Every name on this page is invented by the Department of Doubt for fun. If your dog already has one of them, the Department apologises to the dog.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Every name on this page is invented; no real people, dogs or brands are named. See the satire notice.