Bad Christmas ideas

Is it a good idea for Christmas? The Department of Doubt has reviewed 18 festive plans, all invented here, and stamped every one I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any plan to stamp it, then send it to whoever is hosting this year.

Decorations

1. A three-metre tree in a two-metre room. The star goes on the ceiling. Then the ceiling goes on the star.
2. Putting the lights up in July, to be ready. Six months of explaining to the neighbours why it is festive in July.
3. Untangling last year's lights on Christmas Eve. The knot from last year is still in charge.
4. Glitter on every surface, forever. Glitter is not a decoration. It is a lifestyle, and you will not choose it.
5. A light display bright enough to be seen from the next town. Planes will try to land on your roof.

Dinner

1. Trying a brand new recipe for the first time on Christmas Day. Christmas Day has enough surprises without the oven joining in.
2. Starting to cook the big dinner at 4 p.m. Dinner will be served on Boxing Day, at breakfast.
3. A dinner for twelve in an oven built for two. The oven is small. The ambition is not.
4. Only desserts, as the main course. Delicious for twenty minutes, then everyone needs a lie down.

Traditions

1. A family board game with no agreed rules. Every house has its own rules, and all of them are on the table at once.
2. A Christmas jumper that plays music, on a loop, all day. It is festive at 9 a.m. By noon it is evidence.
3. Opening every present at once, at midnight. Ten seconds of joy and three hours of wrapping paper.
4. A Christmas film marathon of the same film, nine times. By viewing number six, the family knows every line. Out loud.
5. Writing Christmas cards on 24 December. The cards arrive in January, which is very nearly next Christmas.

Bold choices

1. A summer-themed Christmas in December, outside. Sunscreen and tinsel do not go together. The weather agrees.
2. Wrapping every present in newspaper, from 2009. The headlines are old. So is the tape, which no longer sticks.
3. Starting Christmas music on 1 September. By December, everyone has heard enough sleigh bells for two years.
4. Hosting everyone, for the first time, this year. A first time is a good idea. Twelve guests on a first time is not.

How to keep Christmas simple

1. Cook what you know. Christmas Day is not for experiments.
2. Start earlier. Than you think. Then a bit earlier.
3. Agree on plans in November. Not on the 23rd.
4. Leave one afternoon empty. It becomes everyone's favourite part.

Related

More things the Department rejected: terrible gift ideas, worst party themes and bad New Year's resolutions. All guides are on the guides page.

Questions about bad Christmas ideas

What are bad Christmas ideas?

Plans that sound festive and end in chaos: a real tree in a very small flat, a new recipe tried for the first time on Christmas Day, or a family board game with no agreed rules.

How do you keep Christmas simple?

Cook what you know, start earlier than you think, agree on plans before December, and leave one afternoon with nothing planned. The best traditions are usually the easy ones.

Are these real Christmas plans?

They are invented by the Department of Doubt for fun. For gifts, see the terrible gift ideas page.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Every idea on this page is invented; no real people or brands are named. See the satire notice.