Bad New Year's resolutions

Is it a good resolution? The Department of Doubt has reviewed 18 New Year's resolutions, all invented here, and stamped every one I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any resolution to stamp it, then post it before midnight.

Easy to keep, wrong for the right reasons

1. Procrastinate more, starting next week. Technically achievable. The Department admires the loophole.
2. Finally finish the series everyone stopped talking about. By the time you finish, nobody can talk about it with you.
3. Stay up late more often, to see the new year properly. Midnight on 31 December already counts. Mission complete on day one.
4. Be on time to at least one thing. The bar is low on purpose, and somehow still risky.

Too big to start on 1 January

1. Read every book in the house, including the manuals. The manuals will win. They always do.
2. Learn five languages, one per weekend. Grammar needs more than a weekend, even a long one.
3. Clear the inbox, all of it, by Friday. New email arrives faster than old email leaves.
4. Become a morning person by 2 January. The body has not read the resolution. It is still asleep.
5. Tidy the drawer of cables. All of it. The drawer is bigger on the inside. Everyone knows this.

Very specific

1. Learn the name of the neighbour's cat. Lovely, until the neighbour realises you never asked.
2. Use the good mugs on a Tuesday. Tuesday is not ready for the good mugs.
3. Water the plant before it looks worried. Easy to say. The plant has heard it before.
4. Find the other glove. It is not lost. It is waiting until spring, out of spite.

Bold resolutions

1. Stop making resolutions. A resolution to stop resolutions is still a resolution.
2. Make the same resolution as last year, but louder. Volume has never once improved a resolution.
3. Write a new year's resolution every week. Fifty-two fresh starts, and fifty-two quiet Mondays after them.
4. Win every argument with the printer. The printer has never lost an argument. Do not start now.
5. Reply to every message from last year. Everyone has moved on. Some of them have moved house.

Why resolutions fail, and what helps

1. Too big. Pick something you can do this week.
2. Too vague. "Read more" fails; "one chapter on Sundays" might not.
3. Bad timing. 1 January is cold and dark. Any Monday works too.
4. No fun. A resolution you enjoy is one you keep.

Related

More things the Department rejected: funny bad advice, terrible life hacks and worst party themes. All guides are on the guides page.

Questions about bad New Year's resolutions

What are funny bad New Year's resolutions?

Resolutions that are easy to keep for the wrong reasons, or impossible on purpose: "reply to every email by 2031", "learn the name of the neighbour's cat", or "stop starting resolutions".

Why do New Year's resolutions fail?

They are usually too big, too vague, and start on the coldest, darkest morning of the year. Small, specific and fun tends to last longer than huge and serious.

Are these real resolutions?

They are invented by the Department of Doubt as a joke. If you keep one anyway, the Department would like to know which.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Every resolution on this page is invented and is not advice. See the satire notice.