Funny house rules

Is it a good house rule? The Department of Doubt has reviewed 18 house rules, all invented here, and overruled every one: I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any rule to stamp it, then send it to the housemate who needs to see it.

For guests

1. Shoes off, socks off, opinions off. Guests come for company, not to leave half of themselves at the door.
2. Guests must compliment the sofa within ten minutes. Compliments on demand stop being compliments.
3. The Wi-Fi password is given only after you load the dishwasher. Lovely for the dishes. Less lovely as a first impression.
4. No leaving before the second cup of tea. Some guests have places to be and very small bladders.
5. Sign the guest book, the guest form and the guest contract. Nobody reads a contract to drink tea.

For housemates

1. Whoever finishes the milk must write a short apology. A short apology note for milk is still a whole writing project.
2. The remote lives on the arm of the sofa and nowhere else. The remote has a home. It still moves out every evening.
3. Nobody talks about the thermostat. Ever. The thermostat will be discussed. It is the law of houses.
4. Dishes are washed on the day of the next full moon. The moon does not do dishes, and the dishes know it.
5. Every shelf in the fridge has a name and a schedule. A timetable for cheese is a timetable nobody keeps.

Too specific

1. The blue mug is for Tuesdays only. Tuesday has already used the blue mug and broken it.
2. Towels are folded in thirds, never in halves. Thirds is hard. Everyone will fold it in halves out of protest.
3. The left side of the sofa is for sitting, the right side for thinking. Nobody can remember which side is for thinking.
4. Lights off at 22:47. Eight people will each turn the lights off at 22:46.

Impossible to follow

1. No crumbs. Anywhere. At all. Crumbs are not a choice. Crumbs are a fact of life.
2. Always leave the bathroom better than you found it, by a lot. Better than you found it, by a lot, is a full spring clean.
3. The cat must approve all visitors. The cat has never approved anyone, including you.
4. Laugh at every joke the host tells, including the old ones. Even the host is tired of the old jokes.

House rules that actually work

1. Keep it short. Five rules get read. Twenty do not.
2. Say where things are. Shoes, towels, the spare key.
3. Agree on quiet hours. Once, out loud, with everyone.
4. Name the one mug. Everyone has one. Say which.

Related

More things the Department rejected: terrible life hacks, funny bad advice and worst party themes. All guides are on the guides page.

Questions about funny house rules

What are funny house rules?

Rules that are either impossible to follow or far too specific: "shoes off, socks off, opinions off", "the remote lives here and only here", or "no talking about the thermostat". Good for a sign by the door or a group chat with housemates.

What house rules actually work for guests?

Few and clear: where shoes go, where the towels are, what time the house goes quiet, and which mug not to use. Anything longer than a short list will not be read.

Are these real house rules?

They are invented by the Department of Doubt for fun. If you print one for your fridge, the Department takes no responsibility for the arguments.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Every rule on this page is invented. See the satire notice.