Funny bad ideas

Is it a good idea? The Department of Doubt has reviewed the evidence, and for these 50, the answer is I DON'T THINK SO. They are the small, familiar, very human plans we all make anyway. Tap any idea and it opens in Stamp Anything, ready to stamp.

At home

1. Assembling the wardrobe without reading the instructions. The diagram had one more step. You will find it in a year.
2. Just one more episode at 1 a.m. It is never one. The sun agrees.
3. Cutting my own fringe the night before the photo. The photo lasts much longer than the fringe takes to grow.
4. Painting the whole room without testing the colour first. The tin looked calm. The wall looks loud.
5. Leaving the washing-up until tomorrow, every day. Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week.
6. Buying the giant plant for the tiny dark flat. The plant moves in, sees the light, and gives up.
7. Rearranging all the furniture at 11 p.m. You find the cable at midnight. The neighbours find out too.
8. Opening the cupboard where everything was shoved before guests came. Everything comes out at once, in front of everyone.
9. Using the good scissors on cardboard. The good scissors are now the cardboard scissors.
10. Hosting dinner to try a recipe for the first time. The guests become the test kitchen.

At work

1. Replying all to say thanks. Two hundred people now know you are grateful.
2. Scheduling a meeting about having fewer meetings. The meeting goes well. Three more are booked.
3. Naming the file final_final_v3_really. Nobody knows which one is final, including you.
4. Starting a big change on a Friday afternoon. The change goes live. You do not get a weekend.
5. Saying "quick question" before a forty-minute question. It is never quick. Everyone checks the time.
6. Trusting the auto-correct on the email to the whole company. Auto-correct has its own ideas about "regards".
7. Updating everything five minutes before the presentation. The slides change. The laptop does not open them.
8. Volunteering in the meeting to "just take a quick look". The quick look takes the rest of the month.
9. Turning the camera on before checking what is behind you. The washing on the chair joins the meeting.
10. Promising it will be done by tomorrow. Tomorrow arrives on time. The work does not.

Online

1. Reading the comments. They were never going to change your mind.
2. Clicking "remind me later" for the fourth time. Later knows where you live.
3. Opening one more tab to deal with later. Tab forty-one is somewhere under there, still waiting.
4. Joining the group chat with 200 unread messages. You read all 200. None were for you.
5. Checking the weather app every ten minutes. The weather does what it likes. You just watch.
6. Starting an argument with a stranger before breakfast. Nobody wins, and breakfast is cold.
7. Buying something just to reach free shipping. Free shipping on something you did not need.
8. Saving every recipe and cooking none of them. The recipes are safe. Dinner is toast.
9. Liking an old photo while scrolling a profile. The like is permanent. The silence is long.
10. Agreeing to the terms without reading them, again. You have agreed to something. Nobody knows what.

Weekend plans

1. Trying a new hiking trail without checking how long it is. The path is longer than the light.
2. Going to the big shop on Saturday at noon. Every trolley in town is there, going the other way.
3. Planning seven things for a two-day weekend. Seven plans, one weekend, and a Monday that needs a nap.
4. Deciding to learn the guitar, the language and the sourdough at once. Three hobbies in, the sourdough wins by default.
5. Leaving the tent practice for the campsite. The tent goes up in the dark, mostly sideways.
6. Testing the barbecue for the first time with twelve guests. Twelve guests, one barbecue and a lot of salad.
7. Saying yes to helping a friend move a sofa up four floors. The sofa wins on floor three.
8. Wearing new shoes for the long walk. The shoes win the walk. Your feet lose.
9. Napping at 6 p.m. for "twenty minutes". It is 9 p.m. and nobody knows what day it is.
10. Starting a big puzzle on Sunday evening. Midnight arrives with the edge pieces still missing.

Small but bold

1. Carrying all the shopping bags in one trip. One bag always gives way on the doorstep.
2. Eating the spicy one to prove a point. The point is made. The water is gone.
3. Saying "I will remember it" instead of writing it down. You will remember it existed. Not what it was.
4. Putting the hot coffee on the edge of the desk. The desk is very close to the keyboard.
5. Using a pen that has already skipped twice. It skips on the one signature that matters.
6. Starting the car journey without a toilet stop. The next services are forty minutes away.
7. Telling the cat it is not allowed on the sofa. The cat agrees, then sits on the sofa.
8. Wearing white to the spaghetti dinner. Spaghetti always finds the white shirt.
9. Trusting the forecast and leaving the umbrella. The forecast was confident. So is the rain.
10. Labelling a box "misc". Misc is where things go to be lost forever.

The Department's bad idea test

1. It starts with "how hard can it be". Quite hard, usually.
2. It only works if nothing goes wrong. Something goes wrong.
3. It saves five minutes now and costs an hour later. The hour always arrives.
4. You are already explaining it to someone who looks worried. Listen to their face.

Got a better bad idea?

Type it into Stamp Anything and make it official, or see what the Department ruled today on the home page. Past rulings are in the archive. For more ready-made claims, try the rejection stamp ideas, and for gifts, the terrible gift ideas. For Halloween, see the bad Halloween costume ideas, and for shortcuts that are not, the terrible life hacks. For bigger plans, see bad vacation ideas, terrible wedding ideas, bad birthday ideas and terrible tattoo ideas. All guides are on the guides page.

See also: what "bad idea" means, and how to say it without starting a fight.

Questions about bad ideas

What is a funny bad idea?

An idea that sounds great for about three seconds: one more episode at 1 a.m., replying all to say thanks, or assembling the furniture without the instructions. Harmless, familiar and easy to laugh at afterwards.

How do you know if something is a bad idea?

A useful test: if the plan starts with "how hard can it be", needs everyone else to cooperate perfectly, or only works if nothing goes wrong, the Department of Doubt would stamp it I DON'T THINK SO.

Can I stamp my own bad idea?

Yes. Tap any idea on this page, or type your own into Stamp Anything, and download the card. Many readers stamp their own plans before anyone else can.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. Nothing on this page is about a real person, and none of it is advice. See the satire notice.