Funny excuses for being late
You are late. You have an excuse. The Department of Doubt has heard it. Here are 20 funny excuses for being late, all invented, all harmless, and every one reviewed and stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any excuse to stamp it yourself.
Nature got in the way
- A flock of geese was holding a meeting on the path. Geese do not hold meetings. They hold grudges.
- A very slow snail was in front of me and I did not want to be rude. Overtaking a snail is allowed. The Department checked.
- The cat sat on my keys and would not move. The cat moves for food. You had food.
- I stopped to watch a really good cloud. Plausible. Still not twenty minutes of cloud.
- A pigeon looked at me in a way I needed to think about. Pigeons look at everyone like that.
The house fought back
- My kettle took a really long time to decide. Kettles do not decide. They boil.
- I could not find my other shoe, so I waited for it to come back. Shoes do not come back on their own. You found it under the bed.
- My front door was locked from the outside by my own good intentions. Sounds poetic. Means you lost the key.
- I got stuck in a really good shower. The shower did not hold you there.
- The toaster and I had a disagreement about timing. The toaster was right. It is always right.
Time itself was the problem
- My watch is set to a more relaxed time zone. Time zones are not a mood.
- I was early, just for a different day. Being early for Thursday does not help on Wednesday.
- I left on time. The rest of me took longer. All of you is expected at once.
- Five more minutes turned out to be fifty. It always does. That is why it is never five.
- I was here in spirit at nine. Spirit does not sign the attendance sheet.
Bold, confident and wrong
- I am not late. Everyone else is early. The meeting started without you. That is the definition.
- I took the scenic route on purpose, for my wellbeing. The scenic route was a roundabout, four times.
- I was building suspense. The suspense was mostly about whether you were coming at all.
- I was fashionably late, which is still a type of on time. It is not a type of on time.
- I stopped to get you a coffee, then drank it. Honest. Still late. Also, where is the coffee?
What actually works
A funny excuse gets a laugh. A real apology gets you forgiven. The best version is both, in that order:
- Say sorry first. "Sorry I'm late."
- Give the real reason in one sentence. "I left too late." Nobody needs the geese.
- Say what changes. "I'll leave ten minutes earlier next time."
- Then, if they are smiling, the joke. "Also, a pigeon looked at me."
Rule of the Department: never invent an illness, an accident or anything that would make someone worry. Those are not funny, and they are the excuses people remember.
Need a bigger excuse?
If you are not late but trying not to go at all, see excuses to get out of plans or how to cancel plans nicely. For more of the Department's rulings, see funny bad ideas, funny bad advice and today's case on the home page. All guides are on the guides page.
Questions about excuses for being late
What is a funny excuse for being late?
One that is so obviously untrue it becomes an apology in disguise, like "a flock of geese was holding a meeting on the path". It works with friends who know you. At work, a short honest apology is safer.
Are these excuses meant to be used?
They are jokes. Use them with people who will laugh, and follow them with a real "sorry I'm late". Never invent an illness, an accident or anything that would worry someone.
What is the best way to apologise for being late?
Say sorry, give the real reason in one sentence, and say what you will do: "Sorry I'm late, I left too late. I'll set off earlier next time." No long story needed.
Why does the Department of Doubt reject every excuse?
Because it reviews claims and doubts them, every day. An excuse for being late is just a claim with a guilty face.
Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.
The Department of Doubt is satire. Every excuse on this page is invented and meant as a joke. See the satire notice.