Worst ways to start a college essay

A college essay has one reader, a lot of other essays to read, and a few seconds to decide whether yours is different. These openers make sure it is not. Here are 15 of the worst ways to start a college essay, all invented here, every one reviewed and stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any opener to stamp it yourself. How to start a good one is further down.

Could be anyone

1. The dictionary defines college as a place you go after school. The dictionary did not apply. You did.
2. Ever since I was born, I have wanted to go to college. Ambitious for a newborn. Not believable.
3. Since the dawn of time, people have written essays. The dawn of time did not need one. You do.
4. Hello, admissions officer. I hope this essay finds you well. It is an essay, not an email. Start the story.
5. In this essay, I will tell you about myself. Correct. Now show them instead.

Too much, too soon

1. Here is a list of every club I have ever joined, in order. That is what the activities section is for.
2. I am a leader, a team player, a hard worker and very humble. The last word cancelled the first three.
3. Before you read this, please read my other essay first. The reader has time for one. This is it.
4. Let me begin with the history of my school, from 1902. Your school is lovely. The essay is about you.
5. I have written this opening line forty times, and this is the best one. The Department believes you. It still says no.

Bold, confident and wrong

1. You should accept me, and here are ten reasons why. Confident. Also a sales pitch.
2. This essay is exactly 650 words. I counted twice. Thorough. Not interesting.
3. My dog wrote this essay. I just typed it. The dog is not applying. Rejected, kindly.
4. I have never failed at anything, including this essay. The essay disagrees.
5. Picture this: me, at your college, already. You are welcome. Bold. The reader would like to decide that part.

How to start a good college essay

The Department does approve some openings. None of them begin with a dictionary.

• Start in the middle of a moment. Where you were, what you were doing, one odd detail.
• Make it something only you could write. If anyone could have written the first line, change it.
• Use your own voice. Write the way you would tell the story to a friend, then tidy it.
• Skip the quote and the definition. Your words are what the reader came for.
• Write the first line last. Once the essay is finished, you know what it needs to open with.

More officially reviewed bad ideas

For stories rather than applications, see the worst first lines. If the essay ever becomes a talk, read the worst ways to start a speech first. More rejected ideas are in funny bad ideas. All guides are on the guides page, and today's ruling is on the home page.

Questions about starting a college essay

What is the worst way to start a college essay?

With a line that could open anyone's essay, like a dictionary definition, a famous quote, or "Ever since I was born, I have wanted to go to college." The reader has seen it hundreds of times and learns nothing about you.

What is a good way to start a college essay?

Start in the middle of a small, specific moment that is yours: what you were doing, where, and what was slightly odd about it. Then let the essay show why that moment matters. Specific beats grand.

Should a college essay start with a quote?

Usually not. A quote puts someone else's words first in an essay that is meant to be about you. If a line someone said to you really matters, put it later, after the reader knows who you are.

Are these real college essay openers?

No. Every opener on this page is invented and rejected by the Department of Doubt as a joke. The tips further down are real, and you are free to use them.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. The bad openers on this page are invented and meant as a joke; the tips are real suggestions you are free to use. See the satire notice.