Worst ways to start a speech

The first ten seconds of a speech decide whether anyone listens to the rest. These openers make sure nobody does. Here are 15 of the worst ways to start a speech, all harmless, every one reviewed and stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any opener to stamp it yourself. How to start a good one is further down.

Before it even starts

1. Is this thing on? Is this thing on? Is this thing on? It was on the first time. Now everyone knows.
2. Sorry, I did not really prepare anything. The audience believes you, and stops listening.
3. I will keep this short. Slide one of ninety-four. The two halves of this sentence disagree.
4. Can everyone at the back hear me? No? Good. Rejected for confusing everyone at the front too.
5. First, a few housekeeping notes, for twenty minutes. The speech has not started and the coffee is cold.

The classics, done badly

1. The dictionary defines a speech as a speech. The dictionary deserves better, and so does the room.
2. Picture everyone in their pyjamas. Oh, I said that out loud. Advice is meant to stay inside your head.
3. I would like to thank everyone, individually, by name. Rejected after name four. There were two hundred.
4. A funny thing happened on the way here. Actually, it did not. Honest. Not a story.
5. Let me start at the very beginning, in the year I was born. The speech was about the new printer.

Bold, confident and wrong

1. Raise your hand if you have ever had a hand. Everyone raised a hand. Nobody knew why.
2. I have written this speech in rhyme, all of it, for you. Brave. The rhymes run out by minute two.
3. Before I begin, here is a short quiz. The audience did not revise.
4. I will now sing the introduction. The Department admires the range. It still says no.
5. Please turn to the person next to you and say nothing. An unusual icebreaker. The ice stayed.

How to start a good speech

The Department does approve some openings. None of them involve tapping the microphone.

• Start with a short story. One minute, one moment, one point.
• Ask the room one easy question. Hands up gets people listening.
• Say what the speech is about in one line. People relax when they know where it is going.
• Make the first joke about yourself. Safe, warm, and it usually lands.
• Save the long thank-yous for the end. Everyone is still listening then, and it ends on a kind note.

More officially reviewed bad ideas

For smaller audiences, see the worst ways to start a conversation. For the big day itself, there are terrible wedding ideas, and for the end of the evening, funny ways to say goodbye. If the speech is a toast at a birthday, see the worst ways to say happy birthday. All guides are on the guides page, and today's ruling is on the home page.

See also: worst first lines.

Questions about starting a speech

What is the worst way to start a speech?

By apologising for it ("Sorry, I didn't really prepare"), by tapping the microphone for a full minute, or by reading the dictionary definition of the topic. The audience decides in the first few seconds whether to listen, and those openers tell them not to.

What is a good way to start a speech?

Start with something specific: a short story, a surprising fact, or a simple question to the room. Then say in one line what the speech is about. Skip the long thank-yous until the end.

Should you start a speech with a joke?

Only if it is short, kind and about you or the occasion, never about someone in the room. If the joke does not land, move on at once. A warm opening line works just as well.

How do you calm nerves before a speech?

Learn your first two sentences by heart, so the start is automatic. Take one slow breath before you speak, and look at a friendly face. Nobody in the room wants you to fail.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. The bad openers on this page are invented and meant as a joke; the tips are real suggestions you are free to use. See the satire notice.