Worst first lines
The first line of a story has one job: make the reader want the second line. These do not. Here are 15 of the worst first lines for a story or novel, all invented here, every one reviewed and stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any line to stamp it yourself. What makes a good one is further down.
Nothing has happened yet
- This is the beginning of the story. Correct. The reader is already looking for the end.
- Chapter One. Nothing happens in this chapter. Honest. Also the last chapter anyone reads.
- The cupboard was brown, and so was the other cupboard. Two cupboards in, and no story in sight.
- It was a Tuesday, much like the Tuesday before it. The reader has had enough Tuesdays already.
- Once upon a time, give or take a few years. The Department needs a more precise date.
Too much, too soon
- Before we begin, here is a map, a family tree and a glossary. The story is on page sixty. Nobody gets there.
- My name is Bob, and here is everything I have ever eaten. Bob has a long list. The reader has a short evening.
- The hero was tall, brave, clever, kind and also a dragon. One of these words should have come first.
- Spoiler: on the last page, everyone goes home and has a nap. Thank you. The book is now finished.
- Let me explain the rules of the magic system, all forty of them. Rule one: start with a person, not a rulebook.
Bold, confident and wrong
- The end. Just kidding. Or am I? Chapter One. The reader is confused, and so is the Department.
- Dear reader, please do not skip ahead to the good bit. Now everyone knows there is a good bit, and skips.
- The sentence you are reading is the first line of a novel. Clever for one second, then a long wait.
- Nobody expected the sandwich to talk, least of all the sandwich. The Department is curious. It still says no.
- This first line was written by a committee of eleven. It shows. All eleven of them disagreed.
What makes a good first line
The Department does approve some openings. None of them start with a cupboard.
- Start with a person doing something. Action gives the reader somewhere to stand.
- Put something slightly wrong in the first sentence. A small surprise makes the reader ask why.
- Let the voice show at once. Readers stay for a voice they like.
- Cut the weather, unless it matters. The rain can wait a paragraph.
- Write it last. Once the story is finished, you know what the first line should promise.
More officially reviewed bad ideas
If the story is spoken out loud, see the worst ways to start a speech, and for real life, the worst ways to start a conversation. If the story needs a name for its band, there are bad band names. More rejected ideas are in funny bad ideas. All guides are on the guides page, and today's ruling is on the home page.
Questions about first lines
What is the worst first line of a story?
One that tells the reader nothing and asks them to keep going anyway, like "This is the beginning of the story." The funny bad ones are harmless; the truly bad ones bury the reader in weather, backstory or a full description of a cupboard before anything happens.
What makes a good first line?
A good first line makes the reader ask a question. It usually has a person, something slightly odd or wrong, and a voice you want to hear more of. It does not need to be clever, just specific.
Should a story start with the weather?
Only if the weather matters to what happens next. Most of the time, starting with a character doing something is stronger. The reader can find out it is raining a sentence later.
Are these real first lines from books?
No. Every first line on this page is invented and rejected by the Department of Doubt. None of them come from real books or authors, and we hope none of them ever will.
Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.
The Department of Doubt is satire. Every first line on this page is invented and meant as a joke; no real books or authors are quoted. The tips are real suggestions you are free to use. See the satire notice.