Worst ways to start a conversation

The first line of a conversation is the hardest. Some first lines make it harder still. Here are 15 of the worst ways to start a conversation, all harmless, every one reviewed and stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any opener to stamp it yourself. The good ones are further down.

Nowhere to go

1. So. Conversation. Accurate. Not helpful.
2. Nice weather for it, isn't it? For what? Nobody knows. The conversation ends there.
3. I have nothing to say, but I did not want to stand here alone. Honest. Now you are both alone, together.
4. Did you also come in through the door? Yes. Everyone did. That was the only door.
5. Hello. I am also a person at this event. Correct, and nothing else follows.

Too much, too soon

1. Let me tell you about my dream from last night, in full. Nobody has ever enjoyed this. Not even the dreamer.
2. Before you say anything, here is my opinion on spreadsheets. The spreadsheet opinion will take an hour.
3. Hi, I have prepared seven topics. Please pick one. Organised. Alarming.
4. Can I show you all 400 photos of my sourdough? Show one. The best one. Maybe two.
5. Quick question about your life choices. There is no quick question about anyone's life choices.

Bold, confident and wrong

1. Guess my middle name. You have three tries. Nobody will guess it. Everyone will regret trying.
2. Rate my handshake out of ten. Now the handshake is all anyone can think about.
3. What is your opinion on the correct way to load a dishwasher? A friendship may not survive this one.
4. I have been watching you eat that sandwich, and I have notes. Please keep the notes to yourself.
5. Let us skip the small talk. What is the meaning of everything? Ambitious. They only came for the pastries.

Good ways to start a conversation

The Department does approve some openers. These are simple questions that give the other person something easy to say.

• "How do you know the host?" Works at almost any gathering.
• "Have you tried the little pastries yet?" Food is always a safe start.
• "What has been the best part of your week so far?" Easy to answer, often a good story.
• "I am terrible at starting conversations, so: hello." Self-mocking, and people like the honesty.
• "What are you working on at the moment, outside of work?" Hobbies make better talk than job titles.

More officially reviewed bad ideas

When the conversation is going nowhere, there are funny excuses to leave a party and funny ways to say goodbye. If someone else started the bad conversation, see polite ways to say shut up. More rejected ideas are in funny bad ideas. All guides are on the guides page, and today's ruling is on the home page.

See also: worst ways to start a speech.

See also: worst first lines.

Questions about starting a conversation

What is the worst way to start a conversation?

With something that leaves the other person nowhere to go, like "So. Conversation." or a twenty-minute story with no question at the end. The funny bad openers are harmless; the truly bad ones are about the other person's looks, money or worries.

What is a good way to start a conversation?

Ask about something you can both see or share: "How do you know the host?" or "Have you tried the little pastries yet?" An easy question gives the other person something to say.

How do you start a conversation without it being awkward?

Accept that the first line will be a bit awkward, and say it anyway. A simple, friendly question works better than a clever line. Most people are relieved someone else spoke first.

Are these real conversation starters?

No. The bad openers on this page are invented and rejected by the Department of Doubt. The good ones further down are real suggestions you are free to use.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. The bad openers on this page are invented and meant as a joke; the good ones are real suggestions you are free to use. See the satire notice.