Worst ways to say happy birthday

Saying happy birthday is easy. Somehow people still get it wrong. Here are 15 of the worst ways to say happy birthday, all harmless, every one reviewed and stamped I DON'T THINK SO. Tap any wish to stamp it yourself. The good ones are further down.

Technically a wish

1. Happy birthday. Anyway, let me tell you about my week. The birthday lasted four words. Your week lasted an hour.
2. HBD. That is it. That is the wish. Three letters. The Department needed a dictionary.
3. Happy birthday! Wait, was it yesterday? It was last Tuesday.
4. Happy birthday to you, and also to everyone else born today. Fair, but nobody else invited you to the party.
5. Many happy returns of the gift I almost bought you. The thought counts. The almost does not.

Trying too hard

1. A forty-minute voice note, sung, in three keys. Heartfelt. Nobody will finish it.
2. Happy birthday, sent from all six of my accounts. One wish, six notifications. Their phone is tired.
3. A birthday poem that rhymes "birthday" with "birthday". The Department admires the confidence.
4. Reply-all happy birthday to the whole office, twice. The inbox will remember this.
5. A birthday speech with slides. There is a cake melting. Skip to slide one.

Bold, confident and wrong

1. Happy birthday! I already ate your cake, as a test. It passed. You did not.
2. Happy birthday! I blew out your candles to save time. That was the whole point of the candles.
3. Happy birthday! Your present is me, arriving on time. Ambitious. You were twenty minutes late.
4. Happy birthday! I wrote your name on the card, mostly correctly. Two letters off is still a different person.
5. Happy birthday! I told the waiters to sing, very loudly, twice. Your friend is now under the table.

Good funny ways to say happy birthday

The Department does approve some wishes. These are warm first and funny second, and none of them is about anyone's age.

• "Happy birthday! I got you the best gift of all: a friend who remembered." Self-mocking and warm.
• "Happy birthday! Eat the cake. The Department has approved it." A rare approval.
• "Another year of being my favourite person to complain with. Happy birthday." Funny and fond.
• "I am late, but my wishes are extra strong because they have been brewing." The best save for a forgotten birthday.
• "Happy birthday! May your cake be big and your inbox be small." Light and kind.

More officially reviewed bad ideas

For the party itself, see bad birthday ideas. If they would rather skip presents, there are funny ways to say no gifts please, and for the end of the night, funny excuses to leave a party. For the rest of the week, bad ideas for the weekend. All guides are on the guides page, and today's ruling is on the home page.

Questions about birthday wishes

What is the worst way to say happy birthday?

One that makes the day about you, like "Happy birthday! Anyway, about my week..." or a wish sent three days late with "close enough". The funny bad ones are harmless; the truly bad ones forget the person entirely.

What is a funny way to say happy birthday?

Make the joke about yourself or the cake, not their age: "Happy birthday! I got you the best gift of all: a friend who remembered." Warm first, funny second.

Is it rude to joke about someone's age on their birthday?

It can be. Some people love it, others do not. If you are not sure, joke about the cake, the candles or yourself instead. Nobody has ever been hurt by a joke about a cake.

What do you say if you forgot someone's birthday?

Own it and keep it light: "I am late, but my wishes are extra strong because they have been brewing." Then actually wish them well. A late wish beats no wish.

Part of Bad ideas, officially reviewed.

The Department of Doubt is satire. The bad wishes on this page are invented and meant as a joke; the good ones are real suggestions you are free to use. See the satire notice.